Let Me Be, Your Hand to Hold
by Cowboys-and-coffee
Summary: When Addison returns to Connecticut for her mother's funeral, it is only right that Derek and Mark go, too. A very, very overdue gift for M, who I hope thinks it's worth the wait!


**A/N: **_This is a four-part fic for winter_machine that has been in the making for almost two years. Because I fail at doing anything on a timely basis. I hope it is at least somewhat worth the wait! If all goes well, the next three parts will be posted the next three days._

_It's set during Private Practice 4.14: Home Again, and incorporates some dialogue directly from the episode. But it's definitely an Addek fic, and the PP characters are secondary to it._

* * *

It was Amelia who called him.

"Her mother died," she said before he could ask her if he could call her back. "I thought you'd want to know. The funeral is in two days. We're all going."

An hour later he and Mark had plane tickets. ("Like hell you're going without me!" Mark had said when Derek had passed on the news.)

Now, here they were, driving down a driveway that always seemed like it was at least a mile long, the huge, cold house gleaming before them.

Derek drew in a breath. Being here, next to Mark, it somehow didn't seem all that long ago anymore that he had pulled up this driveway for the very first time.

•••

_They were about twenty miles away, or so he judged from what she had told him. She, though, was strangely quiet, and had been for the past forty-five minutes. He reached over and grabbed her hand._

_It was shaking._

_He turned his head to get a quick look at her. Her posture seemed to have grown more rigid than he had ever seen. She was sitting almost ramrod straight, her right hand in her lap, looking directly ahead. The color that had been in her cheeks when they left New York was gone. She almost looked like she had seen a ghost. Or was sick._

_"Addie?" he questioned worriedly, then repeated her name when she didn't respond._

_Finally she turned her head._

_"Yes?" she said, and for the first time, her voice was unrecognizable to him. Colder, higher pitched, more proper. He almost felt chills run up his spine._

_"Addison, are you okay?" he said tentatively._

_"I'm fine," she said, still in that same tone._

_"I … uh … I don't think you are."_

_"I'm fine, Derek."_

_"Is this about me meeting your parents? Do you not want me to?"_

_She paused. "Don't be silly," she finally said. "Of course I do."_

_But there was something in the way she said it. He stole another look at her. Once again she wasn't looking at him, but she was fiddling with the hem of her shirt._

_"Oh my god!" he said, a little louder than he intended. "This _is_ about me meeting them. You're embarrassed by me!"_

_"What? No!" For a second, she was Addison again. Her voice was panicked, her eyes wide, almost in fear._

_"It's why you've been so hesitant every time I asked you," Derek said. He shook his head. "I can't believe you. I thought-"_

_"No!" Addison cut in. She yanked her hand out of his grasp — he hadn't realized he had still been gripping it, and much harder than he intended — and placed it on his leg._

_"It's not you," she said, and he could hear the desperation in her voice. "I swear, it's not you."_

_"Then what is wrong?" Derek turned once more to glance at her, but he immediately wished he hadn't because he was flooded with guilt. Her eyes were welling with tears, and he felt his heart ache._

_"Addie," he said softly._

_"It's not that I don't want _them_ to meet you," she whispered. "I don't want _you_ to meet them."_

_He frowned. "I don't understand."_

_"They're not like most parents, Derek."_

_"So you've said."_

_"And when you see what they're like," she broke off. From the corner of his eye, he watched as she wiped away a tear. "When you see what they are like … you might not like me anymore."_

_"What?" Derek frowned. "Addison, don't be silly."_

_"You don't_ know them,"_ she whispered._

_"No, I don't," he said softly. His hand found hers again, squeezed it, so much gentler this time. "But I know_ you,_ and I love_ you,_ and nothing's going to change that."_

_"Do you promise?" Her voice sounded so little, so childlike. He squeezed her hand tighter._

_"I promise," he said._

•••

"Well, it, uh, looks the same," Mark said, climbing out of the car and shutting the car door behind him.

Derek took a deep breath and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"If by the same you mean foreboding and terrifying," he said, "then yes, it does."

"That is exactly what I mean," Mark said. He clapped a hand on Derek's shoulder. "Are you ready for this, man?"

Derek shrugged. "Why not?"

Mark shot him a knowing look. Derek sighed.

"She's our friend," Derek said. "We need to be here for her."

"Hey." Mark held up his hands. "I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to. I know what you were thinking," he said and turned around to head up the path to the door.

It was Amelia who greeted them.

"You came," she said after she'd opened the door, hugging her brother and then hugging her practically a brother.

"Of course, we came," Mark said as he and Derek followed her down the chilly hall. "How is she?"

Amelia looked back at them and shrugged. "Sam's been calling her creepy. Creepy's a good word for it."

Derek frowned, but before he could say anything, they were entering the sitting room and were suddenly surrounded by people.

"Hi, Naomi," he said, hugging her.

"I'm glad you're here, Derek," she said. "It'll mean a lot to her."

"Sam." Derek said, nodding stiffly at his old friend. He nodded stiffly back. "Derek."

Naomi raised an eyebrow.

"I assume you've heard then," she said. "Based on that frosty greeting."

"That he's dating Addison?" Derek said. "Yes, I've heard."

"Not dating her," Sam said. "_In love_ with her."

"Okay, okay," Naomi said, and stepped between them. "Now is not the time. Don't start."

Derek looked around. "Where's Addie?"

"With The Captain and Archer, meeting the funeral director," Amelia said from behind him. "Derek, let me introduce you to everyone else."

He did as he was told and let Amelia introduce him to everyone else. There was Pete, the acupuncturist guru, Charlotte, the bitchy chief of staff, and Cooper, the pediatrician with a sex fetish — Derek reminded himself to someday thank Addison for the descriptions she had given him one night over the phone after she'd had way too much to drink and didn't know what she was saying.

"Want a drink?" Pete asked him.

"I'd love one," Derek said.

"As would I."

They all spun around as Archer entered the room. He smirked a little when he saw the two newcomers.

"Well," Archer chortled. "If it isn't the ex and the other ex. Nothing like you two to liven up the party."

"Archer," Derek and Mark greeted in unison, neither one of them showing any sign of wanting to be overly friendly. Or even friendly.

Derek strained to look past Archer, but there was no sign of Addison.

Archer noticed him looking.

"She's talking to the funeral director," he said. "Bizzy wants her to do the eulogy."

He laughed then.

"_So_ glad it's not me!" he grinned and walked over to accept a drink from Pete.

A few seconds later The Captain entered the room. And a few seconds after that he, too, noticed Mark. And then he noticed Derek.

"Well, aren't you two the last people I'd expect to see," he said, his tone betraying no emotion. "Does Addison know you're here?"

"No," Derek answered as Archer let out another laugh.

"Isn't it great?" Archer cackled.

Pete handed Derek his drink, a neat scotch. Derek took a quick gulp. He was beginning to think maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.

"Why are all you people still here?" The Captain asked, looking around.

"Because they're staying," Archer said.

"Then I need a drink, too," The Captain said and held out his glass, which Archer took and went off to refill.

"Addison," Amelia suddenly said, her voice somehow echoing above the din of everyone else talking. Derek's head shot up, as did Mark's.

There was Addison. She was dressed in a simple, long-sleeved black dress, her hair pulled back. A strand of pearls that she only ever seemed to wear when she wanted to make an impression was around her neck. Her face belied nothing, and neither did her eyes.

In just a split second, Derek understood why Amelia called her creepy. Except this was Addison, and Derek had seen this side of her way too many times. After all, she got it from her mother.

•••

_"Hello, Bizzy," Addison said. Her very formal, stiff, high-pitched tone had returned, and it made Derek shift awkwardly next to her. Though everything about this place made him feel like he had entered another world — a world in which he definitely didn't belong._

_The driveway had stretched on forever, and the house had seemed huge. When the very, very tall front door had swung open, a maid who had greeted Addison with a "Miss Montgomery" led them down a very long hall into a very uncomfortable room to wait for Addison's mother._

_There was a chill in the air, and Derek suspected it wasn't because the heat wasn't turned up enough. Everything around him screamed out dignified and high society and _proper_. He was having a hard time picturing a little redheaded toddler being allowed to play around anything in this house._

_It was then he realized for as much as thought he knew about his girlfriend of ten months — how potato chips were her weakness, how she couldn't watch scary movies without burying her head in his chest, how she would insist she didn't want any pets yet make him stop at every pet store window and watch the puppies — there was a whole other side of her that he knew absolutely nothing about._

_But Bizzy was talking now._

_"Hello, Derek," she greeted and he recognized her tone of voice immediately. It was exactly the same as the one Addison had just used._

_"It's, errr, nice to meet you," Derek fumbled, reaching out a hand to her. He hoped that was the proper thing to do. Honestly, though, he had no idea. He wasn't prepared for this._

_Bizzy stared at him for a second, her eyes penetrating, but finally she took his hand and shook it in a way that suggested she thought he might have fleas. She looked him up and down._

_"Hmmmm," she murmured, before turning back to Addison, her eyes narrowing as she eyed her daughter._

_She reached out a hand to touch a strand of hair that was falling in Addison's face, pushing it behind her ear._

_"Honestly, Addison," she simpered. "You would think you could put on more appropriate attire. I hate to imagine what you wear to class."_

_Addison looked like she wanted to say something in defense of herself, but instead she just nodded._

_"Hmmmm," Bizzy said again. "Well, your father would like to see you. He is in his study. Why don't you run along and go say hello, and I will stay here and talk to Derek?"_

_Derek tried to not look like he was panicking. Addison shot him a glance, and he could tell from her expression she wasn't happy, but again she just nodded._

_"Yes, Bizzy," she said and turned to leave._

_Derek tried not to sigh audibly. He had a feeling this was not going to go well._

•••

Addison didn't notice them at first. She was looking straight ahead, but Derek could tell she wasn't actually seeing anything.

"If you will all excuse me," she said as she walked into the room, and Derek cringed as the tone of voice he had grown to hate came out of her mouth. "It's been a long day and I'm going to go lie do-"

She paused in mid-word, her eyes finally landing on Derek and Mark. For a second, the stoic look on her face flickered and Derek swore he saw surprise register. And something he couldn't quite make out, but whatever it had been was gone in an instant as she quickly composed herself.

"Derek. Mark," she said, as though she were greeting mere acquaintances. "How lovely to see you. I'm glad you could make it."

Derek glanced at Mark. He could tell his friend was trying to gauge whether it would be better to step forward and hug her or keep his distance. But before either of them could say anything, Addison had turned back toward her father and brother.

"I'm going to go lie down," she said, and made a move to the staircase.

"I have a question first," The Captain suddenly said. He was sitting in one of the more formal-looking chairs, nestling his drink. "You're all doctors in this room, every single one of you. So, how does an army of doctors let my wife die without even a good old-fashioned fight? I mean, how many hundreds of thousands of dollars did your parents waste on medical school so you could let a relatively young and healthy woman just die on your watch?"

Everyone in the room shifted uncomfortably. The tension was almost palpable.

"It was a heart attack, Captain." Addison was the one to answer. "It happened fast, and we weren't there. I told you that."

Derek noticed she spoke without a hint of emotion in her voice. He wasn't surprised — he remembered how she had been when her grandmother died a few months before their wedding — but the monotone of her voice still seemed to slice directly through him.

"I thought it was an aneurism." Sam said out of nowhere. Everyone turned to look at him.

"What?" Addison said.

"You said she died of an aneurism," Sam said.

"Right. That's right."

"Well, just now you said heart attack."

"It's an aneurism. I'm just tired."

Sam nodded. Everyone else again shifted uncomfortably. Derek felt the stirrings of something very uneasy start to grow in his gut.

"She's grieving, Sam," Archer said, almost grinning. "Are you going to split hairs?"

Archer then took another sip of his drink, as if this were some party and not a gathering of mourners for his mother.

"If you excuse me, I'm going to go lie down," Addison cut in, turning around to once more try to escape.

"Addie!" It was Naomi who spoke up this time. Addison turned around.

"If you need someone to talk to …"

But Addison was already heading back up the stairs.

"Thank you, I just need to rest," she called back to them, and then she was gone.

The tension in the room, however, was not.

"Well," Mark started, but Derek moved toward the stairs, stopping him from finishing whatever he was going to say.

"Derek, where are you going?" Amelia said.

"After Addison."

"Derek, she said she's fine." Sam's voice was tinged with annoyance, something that secretly made Derek feel a tinge of satisfaction.

"I know what she _said_," Derek said. "I also know what she _needs_."

"You're not her husband anymore."

"No, but I am her friend. And I was married to her for eleven years." Derek narrowed his eyes at the other man. "And I think I know her just a little bit better than you do, Sam."

Then before anyone could say another word, Derek turned and raced up the stairs, after his fleeing ex-wife.

•••

The Montgomery house was a maze. Derek had always thought so. But as he reached the top of the stairs, it all flooded back to him, and he found Addison's bedroom with only one wrong turn. He knocked on the door, but didn't actually wait for her to answer it. Instead he just twisted the knob and let himself in.

She was sitting on the end of her bed, just staring at a white marble urn. Susan, Derek guessed right away.

She turned her head slightly when Derek came in.

"Don't you have a post-it wife in Seattle?" she said.

"I do," Derek said, moving over to sit down beside her on the bed. She glanced at him like she wanted to protest, but she didn't. She just folded her hands in her lap and looked back toward the urn.

"But I have a best friend in Connecticut whose mother just died," he continued.

She didn't react. "I'm fine," she said, and her voice was the same voice he had heard during that car ride all those years ago.

"No, you're not," Derek said. He reached over to take her hand, but she pulled it away before he could.

"But it's okay not to be," he told her. She didn't answer.

Derek pointed at the urn. "And what are we looking at?" he said, changing the subject.

"Susan," she answered in that same tone. "I had her cremated at her request, and they delivered the urn today. It's pretty, don't you think?"

"I do," Derek said.

"Cremation is such a strange thing," she said, drawing her words out a bit. "I don't think I'd want to be cremated. Except for the poetry of it, the biblical illusion — ashes to ashes, dust to dust. That's nice."

Derek laughed softly.

"So no cremation," he said. "So you want to be buried in the family cemetery, with all the Montgomeries of past generations?"

Addison looked at him, and for a second, there was a half-smile on her face as she crinkled her nose.

Then it was gone.

"Maybe I'll donate my body to science," she said, and her formal tone of voice was back. But then something happened. A glimmer of emotion began to break through the icy exterior once more.

"Remember our cadaver in medical school?" she said.

Derek laughed. "Oh, Mr. Mulligan!" he said.

"I have no idea why we called him that."

"He was my math teacher."

"The cadaver was your math teacher?" For half a second, Addison smirked at him. He poked her in the side.

"I think more like his long-lost twin," Derek said.

"Hey!" he protested at Addison's look. "He looked just like him!"

"Remember," she said, "What we did with him when we were done?"

"How could I not?" Derek grinned. "He got the best memorial of any cadaver that year. Probably of any year, actually."

"We thanked him for his sacrifice and his contribution to our education," Addison said, then she sighed. "God, we were _earnest_."

"We lit candles," Derek said.

"That was nice." She paused again. "That's nice. I think that's what I'll do. Donate my body to science."

She stood up then and walked over to the urn.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"I don't think I can sleep with Susan in the room," she said, and picked the urn up, turning around to face the door.

But Derek was faster. He stood up and took the urn from her before she could protest.

"I'll make you a deal," he said. "I'll go find a nice, safe place for Susan, and you change and get in bed."

"Derek …"

"Addison," he teased back. "I promise. I will put her somewhere safe. But you need to get some rest."

"Derek …"

"Hey," he said gently, moving his free hand to her chin and forcing her to look into his eyes. "I know you were using it as an excuse to get away from everyone, but I also know you probably do need to sleep. Because I bet you haven't really slept since you found out about your mother and that was, what, three days ago now?"

Addison shrugged. "Yes," she finally said.

"So change, and get in bed," he said. "Or in ten minutes, when I get back, I will change you myself and tie you to this bed."

He grinned at her and felt a bit of relief when he saw her flush slightly at his comment. He turned around and headed toward the door.

"I will be back, Addison!" he called as he exited.

The halls were quiet as he walked along them. He had figured everyone else was still downstairs, probably downing bottles of liquor. He stashed Susan in one of the many guest rooms. He figured she would be safe there.

When he got back to Addison's room, she had half done what he'd told her to. She was dressed now in blue pajamas, but she wasn't in bed. She was sitting again at the end of it.

"Addie, get in bed," he said softly.

"I don't think I can sleep."

He nodded. "I get that," he said. "But how about you get in bed and close your eyes, and we see what happens?"

She looked unsure.

"Come on," he said. "I could use a nap, too."

She frowned slightly. "You're going to sleep with me?"

"Yes," Derek said. "Because I don't trust you. If I leave you for five minutes, you might be downstairs drinking yourself into a wine coma."

"Derek …"

"I could get Sam, if you'd rather."

"No!" she said quickly, and he smiled.

"Okay, then," he said. "Come on."

He pulled back the covers and looked at her intently. She sighed, but finally she stood up and walked over to the other side of the bed — her side, Derek thought to himself — and climbed in.

Derek climbed in next to her.

"I can hold you," he told her quietly. Addison always slept better when she was in his arms. That was something he could never forget.

"I don't know," she said, and then she yawned. He watched as her eyes began to droop just lying there.

"Okay," she murmured. "But no funny business."

Derek laughed. "Same goes for you," he said, and held his arms open. She moved closer until she was snuggled against him. He wrapped one arm around her back, and placed the other on the back of her head.

"Just sleep, Addie," he said. "We'll worry about everything else later."

When he looked down at her a few seconds later, he smiled.

She had already fallen asleep.


End file.
